Finding Freedom in Honesty

Are you being true to yourself, even when it means being honest with a loved one?

When it came to expressing feelings in our family, my siblings and I were told we were too much. Emotions were reserved for my mother, and the rest of us were belittled if we expressed boundaries, anger or “no” in any way.

In my twenties, I started to notice a habit forming: I didn’t want to be perceived as a ruthless, angry woman, and I wanted my family to see me as the kind and loving person I knew myself to be, so I began to bite my tongue. I started to hide my opinions, refused to confront situations that irritated me, and learned to put a mask on and smile.

I began a long history of repressing my anger, which only magnified inside of me, and for years I refused to let it out or address where it was coming from.

I now know that holding in anger causes tremendous physical and emotional exhaustion, but I had previously never connected my constant fatigue with repressed emotion.

At 70 years old, if I could give my younger self one piece of advice, it would be to use the words ‘fuck off’ much more frequently.

— Helen Mirren

I want to let you in on an experience that occurred recently where I was transparent with a loved one about my needs. I struggled with expressing myself, of course. I shook the entire way through it, (thank god it was over the phone and not face-to-face), but I felt incredible afterward.

Like, really incredible. I experienced a lightness, a surge of energy in stark contrast to the fatigue I’m always complaining about. It got me thinking about how the emotional baggage I repress sits on my nerves unbeknownst to me.

I’ve since been pondering this people-pleasing thing. It’s meant to serve a purpose: On the surface, it lets others feel safe around me, and deeper down, it makes me feel safe — protected — around others. But is refusing to share my feelings with the people who care about me really creating a safe space for either of us?

For one, my friends and family can’t truly get to know me if they’ve got no idea what pushes my buttons or what makes me tick; And is using my nervous system as a dumping ground for repressed feelings really an ideal survival strategy?

It’s not — not if 15 years of constant fatigue has anything to say about it.

Being transparent is tough for me, especially since I’ve spent years smiling my way through life, but if the outcome is renewed energy and an improved sense of self, count me in.